Green...

"Oh, she's just jealous..." "..Green with Envy..." 

Most of the time this is a word that we use in passing, usually said with a joking accent, usually directed a someone's longing of your clothes, hair or style. But how often do we really allow envy or jealousy to seep into our minds and hearts? Proverbs tell us to "guard your heart, for out of it flow the issues of life."  I have heard this phrase too often, and too often I have passed it by. Never thinking that I would allow something to affect my life in that way...

The past few weeks have been hard for me. The stress of trying to decide what we are doing after October, getting my stuff moved, finding a summer job and deciding not to return to my interpreting job in the fall, and J trying to decide on an Internship, had taken it's toll.

And I found myself becoming snappier, less patient and less loving. Especially toward J.

He probably noticed this, but in true J fashion, he said nothing.

 Until that Sunday. 

I was driving home from my parent's house, and we began to hash out some things that were on our mind. I had been upset because in my mind J didn't need me to make the decision on where to go for his internship. Staying in Redding was safe. We knew the area, we knew people, he had a job. Safe.  But just a few days before,he and his friend Nate had met with a Pastor from Fresno.  Fresno, in my mind, was not safe. We knew nothing about the area, had no one, no jobs...

J's solution was to inform me that if Nate and his fiance didn't go, then we wouldn't either.  I heard, "You can't make a decision like this, so I'll just follow Nate, and you will have to be happy." That isn't what he said. He simply meant that if we had no community, no connection to anyone who believe the same way we did, we would stay in Redding. This was him looking out for me, I didn't see it that way. I became jealous.

Guard. Your. Heart.

I didn't realize it until about 3 weeks later, Monday of this week to be exact. I was driving down Hinkleville Rd, going to the mall, listening to NPR; when the announcer said something about the "envy of the American people."  And it hit me. I was Envious. Insanely Jealous. Of my fiance's friends.

 I had become jealous of the relationships J had in Redding. The bond he had formed with these friends over the past 2 years was something I don't have. These are guys who spend every moment together, they stay up late discussing their view on things like Grace and healing. They are forever friends. Friends that J would follow to the ends of the earth. Friends that he trust to help him make life changing decisions. *Which is actually good, now that I think of it*

In my jealous mind, Nate and J were making the decisions. I was left to follow him and "trust" that he had it all figured out.

I immediately began to remember how I felt when he would call and say they were going somewhere or hanging out. I immediately began to feel horrible about the way I'd been treating him. For 3 weeks I had made catty remarks about him being with his friends. I would hang up immediately if he told me he was the slightest bit busy.

Guard. Your. Heart.  

For almost a month I let jealousy flow out of my heart. Jealousy robs you of your love. It takes away your caring nature. It eats at you. I began to notice what things made me jealous.

Then tonight, I noticed that even though he is surrounded by amazing friends, J still needs me. 

He's headed to Fresno this weekend to see and make sure that's where we need to be. 

He has Saturday free. Nate and his fiance have each other. 

J simply said, "I'll be here alone."  Which was his way of reminding me, he still needs me.

Guard. Your. Heart

If you're like me, and are noticing that you are beginning to feel this way towards someone or something. Just simply stop. Remember that through Jesus, on the cross, we have everything. He understood that you would be jealous at this moment in time. He knows that you are better than that. He has Grace to help you be better than a jealous person.

Let's face it- being "green with envy" doesn't look good on anyone.