Green...

"Oh, she's just jealous..." "..Green with Envy..." 

Most of the time this is a word that we use in passing, usually said with a joking accent, usually directed a someone's longing of your clothes, hair or style. But how often do we really allow envy or jealousy to seep into our minds and hearts? Proverbs tell us to "guard your heart, for out of it flow the issues of life."  I have heard this phrase too often, and too often I have passed it by. Never thinking that I would allow something to affect my life in that way...

The past few weeks have been hard for me. The stress of trying to decide what we are doing after October, getting my stuff moved, finding a summer job and deciding not to return to my interpreting job in the fall, and J trying to decide on an Internship, had taken it's toll.

And I found myself becoming snappier, less patient and less loving. Especially toward J.

He probably noticed this, but in true J fashion, he said nothing.

 Until that Sunday. 

I was driving home from my parent's house, and we began to hash out some things that were on our mind. I had been upset because in my mind J didn't need me to make the decision on where to go for his internship. Staying in Redding was safe. We knew the area, we knew people, he had a job. Safe.  But just a few days before,he and his friend Nate had met with a Pastor from Fresno.  Fresno, in my mind, was not safe. We knew nothing about the area, had no one, no jobs...

J's solution was to inform me that if Nate and his fiance didn't go, then we wouldn't either.  I heard, "You can't make a decision like this, so I'll just follow Nate, and you will have to be happy." That isn't what he said. He simply meant that if we had no community, no connection to anyone who believe the same way we did, we would stay in Redding. This was him looking out for me, I didn't see it that way. I became jealous.

Guard. Your. Heart.

I didn't realize it until about 3 weeks later, Monday of this week to be exact. I was driving down Hinkleville Rd, going to the mall, listening to NPR; when the announcer said something about the "envy of the American people."  And it hit me. I was Envious. Insanely Jealous. Of my fiance's friends.

 I had become jealous of the relationships J had in Redding. The bond he had formed with these friends over the past 2 years was something I don't have. These are guys who spend every moment together, they stay up late discussing their view on things like Grace and healing. They are forever friends. Friends that J would follow to the ends of the earth. Friends that he trust to help him make life changing decisions. *Which is actually good, now that I think of it*

In my jealous mind, Nate and J were making the decisions. I was left to follow him and "trust" that he had it all figured out.

I immediately began to remember how I felt when he would call and say they were going somewhere or hanging out. I immediately began to feel horrible about the way I'd been treating him. For 3 weeks I had made catty remarks about him being with his friends. I would hang up immediately if he told me he was the slightest bit busy.

Guard. Your. Heart.  

For almost a month I let jealousy flow out of my heart. Jealousy robs you of your love. It takes away your caring nature. It eats at you. I began to notice what things made me jealous.

Then tonight, I noticed that even though he is surrounded by amazing friends, J still needs me. 

He's headed to Fresno this weekend to see and make sure that's where we need to be. 

He has Saturday free. Nate and his fiance have each other. 

J simply said, "I'll be here alone."  Which was his way of reminding me, he still needs me.

Guard. Your. Heart

If you're like me, and are noticing that you are beginning to feel this way towards someone or something. Just simply stop. Remember that through Jesus, on the cross, we have everything. He understood that you would be jealous at this moment in time. He knows that you are better than that. He has Grace to help you be better than a jealous person.

Let's face it- being "green with envy" doesn't look good on anyone.

Away.

Some times living thousands of miles away from your finance is hard. Some days it's not bad, some days it feels like your heart is being ripped out. This week is one of those weeks.
In the last two weeks J has graduated from 2nd Year, had a grad party, gotten a new job, gone to I baby dedication. And I have missed it al. It hardest to know that he's there with his friends having a blast and knowing that you could be there too, if only you didn't live 2,200 miles across the country.

This has definitely been a few weeks of choosing to love, even when you don't feel it. I would love nothing more than to be more than a name at these events and parties. But right now that isn't possible. And quite frankly- it sucks!
I just keep reminding myself that in 145 days- none of this will matter.

Operation Wedding China:plates from my adopted Momma.

Momma Cathy is Dena's momma.

I met Dena in college at John A Logan. She was and still is my life saver! She and I were inseparable. Even though we are separated by quite a few states, several hundred miles, and at least 14 hours- we're still best friends. Momma Cathy has been so gracious to me in the last 6 years that Dena and I have been friends; giving me a place to sleep, food to eat and loving me as her own.
When we started the hunt for the Wedding China, she quickly jumped on board. These were the first plates that she purchased for me. They are also the first dinner plates we had that featured colors other than pink! If you know me, you understand why this is such a big deal!!
The second pattern is what I and Momma C are calling "the DC plates".
When I moved to Washington DC almost three years ago I had some rough days. Days where all I wanted to do was give up and come home. I still have emails Momma Cathy sent to encourage me. I know, without a doubt that she was praying for me everyday. The spring I lived in DC Dena got to come visit me, right when the blossoms were starting to bloom.

I love the cherry blossom pattern on these plates because they remind me of the city I love. And that while the sorrow and pain may endure for a little while, joy and beauty always follows.

These plates will serve as a reminder at our wedding of people who, although aren't bound by blood, love us just the same!!

The Haviland.

This is the Haviland China. The dishes that started it all.
About a month ago I was talking to my mom about plates for my wedding in October. We had settled on white square plastic ones when I said,"if I had all the money in the world, I would want all different kinds of china plates.." To which my mom said,"ok, let's do it!"
I was shocked, and quite frankly I didn't think she was serious! But she was. Within a few days she had decided that if we spent no more that $2 a plate, it would be the same amount of money as buying plastic plates.
So the search began. This was the first piece of china purchase for our wedding. My daddy bought it. At the time we thought he over paid for just a few dinner plates. But when he got them home we found out there was almost a complete service. Meaning not only did he buy plates, he also bought lunch plates, bowls, teacups and saucers, a few platters and some teeny tiny finger bowls!!
He was very excited! Then he started researching his find. Let's just say that only grown ups get to sit at the table with the Haviland China!! Haha!

In the past month we have collected almost 90 plates! Not only is this a fun adventure for my mom and dad but some of our friends have gotten on board too.
In the next few months I will be posting about the different people who are helping make my wedding dreams come true, one mismatched plate at a time!