Sad day. Blessed day.

Jesus. Loves. Me.
Today was one of the hardest days I've had in a while. Today I said Goodbye to my fiancé again. This past week I got to spend pretty much every waking moments with him. Which only made me fifty thousand times more excited to marry him in October!! I met his roommates and got to see the place we'll call home in a few months. But today. Today was the Goodbye day. I woke up at 7 and as soon as I saw him the tears started. We have a rule that I can only cry while I'm with him (and a little on the plane/car home).
It's our rule because I think it hurts him more when I cry and he's not around to comfort me.
So I cried. A lot. I cried in the airport bathroom. And on the plane.
Then. We landed in Denver. Ran through the airport catch our connection to St. Louis. And that's when it happened. I'm sure God was just smiling at me. The flight we were on was overbooked. So they needed some people to give up their flights. My friend Melissa and I jumped at the chance. We ran to the counter. Exchanged our tickets for later ones and United gave us each $200 ticket vouchers!!

Friends. This means that on the day I had to say Goodbye to my best friend, I got a free ticket to go back and see him!!! Jesus. Loves. Me.

Not. Brave.

I am not brave. Contrary to what some people think about me. I am not. Some nights I find myself laying in my bed overcome with thoughts of worry about what will happen after August. You see, I don't have enough trust in God as I should. I always expect Him to leave me hanging. In the back of my mind I half way expect to have to come crawling home from wherever J and I call home in a few months. I alwasy think that I'm not brave enough to handle another move. But the more I think about it the more I realize I'm always scared right before something new happens. I think that's human. It's just that before my mom and dad have always been there to make sure I land on my feet. This time it will be just me, J and God. Not that the two of them aren't big enough to handle it. But still feelings that are not bravery overcome me. What will I do? Where will we live? Who will be our friends? Will I have to eat Cheerios for every meal? I don't even have a clue what will happen after we say I Do. Not one idea.

But I suppose that's where faith comes in. Faith that God is once again bigger than my lack of bravery. Faith that what He's done for other people he can do for us.


Please. Don't think I'm brave. Don't tell me that. Just think that I have a lot of faith. Perhaps this will be a testimony of calling things that are not, as though they are.

Talking.

Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, tweeted this quote today and it really made me start thinking. He said,"if you want to know where you'll be in 5 years, listen to what you talk about most now.". How true is that?! What we declare to be usually happens. 5 years ago all I could talk about was moving to Washington DC and being an interpreter. Check and check. Then I was talking about marrying Jeffrey. Almost check. :-)
Now I talk about being a world changer. About how all I long to do is serve God at Jeffrey's side. How I want to be a sounding board for people's dreams, to be a comforter to people who need it the most. How I want to lead people into the presence of my Father with my voice and dance. And how I want a fluffy gray kitten. Ha ha!!

Seriously though, dreams are ever evolving and changing. If they never change life would be too boring. Even though being an interpreter no longer rules the forefront of my dreams, why I do what I do is still the main reason I live. To love Him and make Him known.
Check back in 5 years. For the things I declare now will probably be happening. Because I'm drawing circles around our dreams.
4 "Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.
5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things."
James 3:4-5

Painting.

About 2 months ago I was overcome with the sudden urge to buy a blank canvas and paint. So I did. One night I bought a starter kit at WalMart, turned on some worship music and painted what someone had recently described to me in a prophesy. That painting hangs in my bedroom and reminds me that everyday is a day full of forgiveness.

In the weeks that have past I have painted a few more paintings. Usually from images that I've seen in worship. I'm not a great painter by any means. But I do think that God's really happy when He sees me worshiping with a paintbrush. This picture is of the most recent painting I did. A blue heart. For me that represents peace, for Jeffrey grace. So I painted the opening line of my wedding vows on there as a reminder of what will soon be one. A peaceful graceful heart.